I haven't blogged in so long, mainly because I have been doing a little better, mainly because I am trying so hard to maintain it.
So I came home from America and was met by the greatest welcome from my family and a very special someone. I've not mentioned him before on this blog, but we have been friends for a while and our friendship blossomed immensely. It's funny how we learn things about ourselves through other people, and since I have known this guy, I have started to live differently. I am more relaxed and enjoying every day more and more. He's a breath of fresh air.
I started to realise that things had the potential to be so amazing. I also realised what it feels like to not have to look after someone in a relationship. If anything, I am the one that needs looking after - not that I will, I'll do everything on my own and everyone knows that. If I ask for help its because I really need it, not because of any illness of mine.
Anyway, so yeah - I came home from America and spent an amazing day/night with Connor and we made things official. Since then it has grown in strength and love, which I didn't think possible. This may sound silly because I am actually only 20, but this is different - this is a proper kind of love, the adult kind, where you know, just know, that everything is perfect and the love is so strong.
I feel stronger in myself, everything falls into place. I don't need to pretend to be feeling fine, or to be able to get on with things sometimes - there is a calm across me that allows me to be myself in each and every way. It's being a good kind of selfish, knowing that I can be however I need to, which is probably a good thing for my health!
I'm back at university now and have already managed a whole week of lectures, last year I only managed ONE full well of lectures out of the 24 week year. So I am already one step ahead. Each week has come and gone and I have managed somehow with my third year schedule, so here's to it carrying on.
When the bad days come; and they do (it's not all good days still) - I sometimes get a little down, but then all I need to do is look at how far I have come in a whole year.
This time last year I was in a whole different place, and if I was told to look back on the year before - I'd of been angry and upset, because things were worse. But now i'm through that, and looking back to last year - can be a whole lot more positive about it all. I have come so far, no matter what any ME specialist says - I know me more than anyone else does & I can tell you that how I am now is 100 times better than the person I allowed myself to be last year.
I still get bad days, but its how you deal with those bad days that counts the most; I realise that now.
I'm also grateful because I know that there are so many more people out there that are worse than me in their illness, this does not make them any less or more of a person - in my eyes, we are all equal, we are all in the same boat and having to deal with it. I have admiration for anyone with this illness, whether they are still able to go out to work or whether they are house ridden, we all know what it is like to have our bodies try control us.
I'm sorry for leaving it so long to blog to you, I promise I won't leave it so long next time :)
Tuesday 6 November 2012
Thursday 30 August 2012
Just to let you know..the USA is doing me the world of good.
I felt a little rough around the edges to begin with as I had finally started to rest properly and chill out but now I am cool as a cucumber.
I thought I was content before but now I realise that what I am now, here, at this moment, is content. And it's wonderful.
I'm having time to myself after all the recent crap and I will be back stronger than ever :)
I'm going on a mini holiday on my holiday this weekend as we go up to the lake house :) A whole weekend to chill out on the pontoon - amazing!
I also bought myself an iPad today - eeeeek!! Total excitement
Sending love to everyone, you're all wonderful, strong, courageous people xxxxxxxxxxxxx
I felt a little rough around the edges to begin with as I had finally started to rest properly and chill out but now I am cool as a cucumber.
I thought I was content before but now I realise that what I am now, here, at this moment, is content. And it's wonderful.
I'm having time to myself after all the recent crap and I will be back stronger than ever :)
I'm going on a mini holiday on my holiday this weekend as we go up to the lake house :) A whole weekend to chill out on the pontoon - amazing!
I also bought myself an iPad today - eeeeek!! Total excitement
Sending love to everyone, you're all wonderful, strong, courageous people xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday 27 August 2012
Today I went to a concert for the troops.
It was in Mankato, organised by my great Aunts partner and it was called 'Tune it up for the troops'
It was in a local amplitheater & was to celebrate/thank all the troops of the USA.
One bit in particular that really got to me was when there was a special section to pay tribute to the families of fallen troops. Parents of those who had died whilst serving stood along the front of the stage and held hands whilst the singer, Rockie Lynn sung a song.
It was so touching to see them all standing together and singing along, their eyes were full of tears and I felt their heartbreak - but at the same time, they were holding each other up and coming together through their upset.
This was so touching to see
It made me think of a few things, when you see someone in a public environment, you know nothing of their personal life and situation - you don't know their battles they face.
'Be kind to everyone, for everyone is fighting their own battles'
It also made me feel lucky that I've never had to experience this upset, I may not be the most healthiest person alive, but I am alive!
It's also important in any situation to have a good support base, just like the families of the fallen troops who all come together in mourning, to have someone understand the heartbreak and struggles you face - helps you fight the battle if nothing else can.
I will continue to believe these values and carry them into my future. x
It was in Mankato, organised by my great Aunts partner and it was called 'Tune it up for the troops'
It was in a local amplitheater & was to celebrate/thank all the troops of the USA.
One bit in particular that really got to me was when there was a special section to pay tribute to the families of fallen troops. Parents of those who had died whilst serving stood along the front of the stage and held hands whilst the singer, Rockie Lynn sung a song.
It was so touching to see them all standing together and singing along, their eyes were full of tears and I felt their heartbreak - but at the same time, they were holding each other up and coming together through their upset.
This was so touching to see
It made me think of a few things, when you see someone in a public environment, you know nothing of their personal life and situation - you don't know their battles they face.
'Be kind to everyone, for everyone is fighting their own battles'
It also made me feel lucky that I've never had to experience this upset, I may not be the most healthiest person alive, but I am alive!
It's also important in any situation to have a good support base, just like the families of the fallen troops who all come together in mourning, to have someone understand the heartbreak and struggles you face - helps you fight the battle if nothing else can.
I will continue to believe these values and carry them into my future. x
Saturday 25 August 2012
You can wake up with the best intentions, after a beautiful nights sleep and your health can still hold a grudge against you and make you feel awful.
There doesn't have to be a reason as to why you feel so ill, you just do. That's what this illness does to us.
I woke up this morning after 11 hours sleep, finally sleeping at normal USA times, and a short while after coming up for breakfast, I felt awful. My whole body aches and I don't feel focused on what's going on around me.
Somehow I managed to pop out with my cousins but then I have spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, which is a massive shame, all I can think of is what i'm missing out on :(
Apart from this, and a lost suitcase (which has now been returned back to me after the airline sent it on the wrong flight) I've had a lovely first few days in the states.
My cousins greeted me with presents and cuddles and have lots of lovely plans for us in these three weeks. It's so nice to be back over here, I love everything about it here.
I feel at ease and relaxed over here, I don't need to be attached to my mobile, or watch television to stay occupied. I am reading my books and spending quality time relaxing and seeing my family.
Hopefully this will be as insighful as ever and increase my personal strength to manage back home.
There doesn't have to be a reason as to why you feel so ill, you just do. That's what this illness does to us.
I woke up this morning after 11 hours sleep, finally sleeping at normal USA times, and a short while after coming up for breakfast, I felt awful. My whole body aches and I don't feel focused on what's going on around me.
Somehow I managed to pop out with my cousins but then I have spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, which is a massive shame, all I can think of is what i'm missing out on :(
Apart from this, and a lost suitcase (which has now been returned back to me after the airline sent it on the wrong flight) I've had a lovely first few days in the states.
My cousins greeted me with presents and cuddles and have lots of lovely plans for us in these three weeks. It's so nice to be back over here, I love everything about it here.
I feel at ease and relaxed over here, I don't need to be attached to my mobile, or watch television to stay occupied. I am reading my books and spending quality time relaxing and seeing my family.
Hopefully this will be as insighful as ever and increase my personal strength to manage back home.
Thursday 16 August 2012
Adapted from 'Beyond Empathy's' recent status that I totally agree with...
Yes I have fibro / #CFS and yes i can achieve pain control with a rediculus amount of drugs that will soon enough get into my body so much that even the highest of doses will not affect me. These may also condemn me to bed needing full care as im so i have absolutely no function or meaning in my life whatsoever, fully reliant on others to turn me, feed me and wash me.
I have no psychiatric issues and confirmed by psychiatric specialists. I have never been, or never will be 'depressed' I have low moments but my life will never involve depression.
I choose to LIVE, and therefore choose to constantly balance my life / pain on a strict routine. I take as few meds as possible to maintain my function though live every day and replace meds with herbals as much as possible. I don't eat/drink certain things and have my days mapped out with strict routine. This pushes my mind to the edge, exhausts me, but I do it. And just because i have now dared to venture from my bed to attempt to have a life and contribute a difference to the world. Does not mean my exhaustion or agony has improved/ lessened/ or strangely disappeared!!!!
I have ventured from my bed and being indoors from days on end to make a life for myself, yes people see me out and about - make up/hair done and a smile on my face but what they need to realise is what they don't see is the most important statement of illness. Just because we are ill, doesn't mean we choose to share it with you.
Wednesday 8 August 2012
I don't hide my feelings, therefore if I am sad - I show it. I don't need to hide them because I believe that i am allowed to feel how I want to and no-one should therefore judge me for it.
A break up is hard on both parties - and you're entitled to feel how you feel and react how you want, i'm not saying it is the right thing to do but still - you have the right. Within reason though - you still need to keep in consideration the other person (especially if it was a joint decision break up)
You should not put it all over fb how 'happy' you are and 'excited for the future' - it's just showing that you are probably not, so why put on a front?
True friends will understand your hurt and disregard any emotional statuses, feelings are normal and we all have the right to feel them.
Seeing all his shit over Facebook hurts me, although I know he is hurting - I take everything more personal than I should. I let it affect me and the way I feel about myself. I shouldn't, but I do. So this is making me not want to talk to him and stay friends at the moment.
Me on the other hand, I am staying hidden and quiet, I have also been on a shopping spree - I've treated myself to a new camera and camera case, a new skirt and some accessories for my car :) I have some free time this week and it is going to be filled with lots of friends coming to see me and keeping me smiling.
This is tiring, but I will get there
A break up is hard on both parties - and you're entitled to feel how you feel and react how you want, i'm not saying it is the right thing to do but still - you have the right. Within reason though - you still need to keep in consideration the other person (especially if it was a joint decision break up)
You should not put it all over fb how 'happy' you are and 'excited for the future' - it's just showing that you are probably not, so why put on a front?
True friends will understand your hurt and disregard any emotional statuses, feelings are normal and we all have the right to feel them.
Seeing all his shit over Facebook hurts me, although I know he is hurting - I take everything more personal than I should. I let it affect me and the way I feel about myself. I shouldn't, but I do. So this is making me not want to talk to him and stay friends at the moment.
Me on the other hand, I am staying hidden and quiet, I have also been on a shopping spree - I've treated myself to a new camera and camera case, a new skirt and some accessories for my car :) I have some free time this week and it is going to be filled with lots of friends coming to see me and keeping me smiling.
This is tiring, but I will get there
Tuesday 7 August 2012
As most of you know, I went to see a specialist on Friday for my ME
This was my first appointment and I went in with an open mind and to take everything with a pinch of salt.
When I went in, she was pissed that I didn't fill in a certain bit of the questionnaire and 'it was going to take longer'. She wasn't happy and was abrupt and made me think right back to when I was 11 and symptoms started.
She didn't follow a pattern of events, just kept jumping from one thing to another and writing notes. She then proceeded to ask me random questions one after another, not explaining why she was asking them.
She asked me about my love life, my history (if I had ever been sexually or physically abused), about my periods, when EXACTLY I had the last one, about my social life, alcohol and smoking etc. I can see why she asked some of these, but it would of been nice to of gone into detail as to why she was asking these things.
She carried on firing questions at me one after another instead of constructing a conversation with me. This was VERY draining and got me very confused and dazed. I answered one question (unsure of what she actually meant) Then later in the appointment she said that I manage to do everything - I'm sorry but how can I manage well when I can either do something during the day OR at night. Everyone else my ages is getting up - going out during the day, then at night, then getting up the next morning and doing something again, that is NOT me.
She then said it was to do with personalities, of which I also do not agree. My personality is bubbly and positive and if it was up to me I would be out and about exploring new places and doing SO much more than I am at the moment, i'd be travelling and really going for it. But my body doesn't let me, therefore I am limited = NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE (those without illness)
Anyway, because I answered a question in the incorrect way (in regards to my illness) she then got mad and referred back to my answer, I explained that it was hard for me to answer when she was firing question at me and that I had misunderstood, therefore answered wrong.
She didn't then ask me to re-explain this to get more info, she just said 'well you said this' - yes I did, but doesn't mean it was right. If she had asked me questions and constructed a convo with me rather than asking me to generate percentages etc then I wouldn't of got as worked up as I did.
Anyway, she said the CBT word; said that I was stressed and anxious - leading to my CFS flare up, I said fair enough to the stressed bit (lately anyway) but I haven't been stressed for the last few years - I DO NOT believe that stress leads to CFS, a flare up maybe but I can wake up and be in the most positive of moods and STILL FEEL SHIT! So that isn't stress, like on Christmas - a stress free time, I still feel ill. A flare up can be caused by stress, I get that - but I'm not a stressful person and I am still suffering.
I am NOT going to CBT - not ever, and that is a promise.
She also started talking about my other problems (asthma, excema, vitamin levels etc) as their own thing and saying what to do with them - not linking in with CFS. I see separate specialists for those things, she needed to stay on track with what I was there for. She didn't ask me if I had any questions or if I wanted to say anything, she was rude, abrupt and quite frankly did not want to talk to me.
She then prodded me for a bit in my painful areas and decided that I have Fibromyalgia too .. she didn't explain anything to do with this or its symptoms. When I got overwhelmed and frustrated by this she said 'I don't see why you're frustrated Charlotte' and carried on babbling about a load of shit. She didn't stop or ask me to explain why I was so upset.
I'm fed up of having to justify to everyone how I feel and have to talk about it all, they keep labeling me with all these things and not explaining to me - or helping me.
I have been managing just fine ON MY OWN. I have control and I pace - meaning that I mostly do everything I want. I will not feel bad that I do that, I know most people with the same thing as me can't do what I do, and that's awful - but just because I can, doesn't mean I'm suffering any less or in any pain.
Apart from what I do, I do not have a life - I don't have a social life and i'm in bed every night by 9pm. These are sacrifices I have made for myself, ones that people who aren't ill don't have to make.
This is me and I am the one that has to deal with this, there will be people who will understand - but at the same time, everyone is different - therefore we are technically all alone with our illnesses and what it does to us.
The appointment ended with me being silent due to being in such tears and mum rounding up the convo with her, she didn't stop and be kind to me or anything, just said 'yeah we are done' and goodbye. I then walked out to the car in tears and broke down completely.
I am not an angry person - neither do I get upset about things that badly, very often. But that appointment made me completely drained, low and very angry. Two of which feelings I do not like feeling - or feel very often.
That day I quite definitely felt the worst I have done in ages. They completely disregarded my illnesses, nothing positive came out from it and neither was told where to go from here. Pointless, useless and draining. I'm no further than I was before.
This was my first appointment and I went in with an open mind and to take everything with a pinch of salt.
When I went in, she was pissed that I didn't fill in a certain bit of the questionnaire and 'it was going to take longer'. She wasn't happy and was abrupt and made me think right back to when I was 11 and symptoms started.
She didn't follow a pattern of events, just kept jumping from one thing to another and writing notes. She then proceeded to ask me random questions one after another, not explaining why she was asking them.
She asked me about my love life, my history (if I had ever been sexually or physically abused), about my periods, when EXACTLY I had the last one, about my social life, alcohol and smoking etc. I can see why she asked some of these, but it would of been nice to of gone into detail as to why she was asking these things.
She carried on firing questions at me one after another instead of constructing a conversation with me. This was VERY draining and got me very confused and dazed. I answered one question (unsure of what she actually meant) Then later in the appointment she said that I manage to do everything - I'm sorry but how can I manage well when I can either do something during the day OR at night. Everyone else my ages is getting up - going out during the day, then at night, then getting up the next morning and doing something again, that is NOT me.
She then said it was to do with personalities, of which I also do not agree. My personality is bubbly and positive and if it was up to me I would be out and about exploring new places and doing SO much more than I am at the moment, i'd be travelling and really going for it. But my body doesn't let me, therefore I am limited = NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE (those without illness)
Anyway, because I answered a question in the incorrect way (in regards to my illness) she then got mad and referred back to my answer, I explained that it was hard for me to answer when she was firing question at me and that I had misunderstood, therefore answered wrong.
She didn't then ask me to re-explain this to get more info, she just said 'well you said this' - yes I did, but doesn't mean it was right. If she had asked me questions and constructed a convo with me rather than asking me to generate percentages etc then I wouldn't of got as worked up as I did.
Anyway, she said the CBT word; said that I was stressed and anxious - leading to my CFS flare up, I said fair enough to the stressed bit (lately anyway) but I haven't been stressed for the last few years - I DO NOT believe that stress leads to CFS, a flare up maybe but I can wake up and be in the most positive of moods and STILL FEEL SHIT! So that isn't stress, like on Christmas - a stress free time, I still feel ill. A flare up can be caused by stress, I get that - but I'm not a stressful person and I am still suffering.
I am NOT going to CBT - not ever, and that is a promise.
She also started talking about my other problems (asthma, excema, vitamin levels etc) as their own thing and saying what to do with them - not linking in with CFS. I see separate specialists for those things, she needed to stay on track with what I was there for. She didn't ask me if I had any questions or if I wanted to say anything, she was rude, abrupt and quite frankly did not want to talk to me.
She then prodded me for a bit in my painful areas and decided that I have Fibromyalgia too .. she didn't explain anything to do with this or its symptoms. When I got overwhelmed and frustrated by this she said 'I don't see why you're frustrated Charlotte' and carried on babbling about a load of shit. She didn't stop or ask me to explain why I was so upset.
I'm fed up of having to justify to everyone how I feel and have to talk about it all, they keep labeling me with all these things and not explaining to me - or helping me.
I have been managing just fine ON MY OWN. I have control and I pace - meaning that I mostly do everything I want. I will not feel bad that I do that, I know most people with the same thing as me can't do what I do, and that's awful - but just because I can, doesn't mean I'm suffering any less or in any pain.
Apart from what I do, I do not have a life - I don't have a social life and i'm in bed every night by 9pm. These are sacrifices I have made for myself, ones that people who aren't ill don't have to make.
This is me and I am the one that has to deal with this, there will be people who will understand - but at the same time, everyone is different - therefore we are technically all alone with our illnesses and what it does to us.
The appointment ended with me being silent due to being in such tears and mum rounding up the convo with her, she didn't stop and be kind to me or anything, just said 'yeah we are done' and goodbye. I then walked out to the car in tears and broke down completely.
I am not an angry person - neither do I get upset about things that badly, very often. But that appointment made me completely drained, low and very angry. Two of which feelings I do not like feeling - or feel very often.
That day I quite definitely felt the worst I have done in ages. They completely disregarded my illnesses, nothing positive came out from it and neither was told where to go from here. Pointless, useless and draining. I'm no further than I was before.
Tuesday 17 July 2012
Kicking ass as much as possible at the moment.
I've just got back from working my first big event with my new job and I LOVED every moment of it, working hard for my career at the moment and it's paying off.
I feel bad for doing so well at the moment when so many others like me aren't doing very well - just wish I could help you in some ways x
Monday 2 July 2012
Enjoyed my few days to feel 'normal' - it's been good, and possibly, maybe, hopefully a step in the right direction?
Tomorrow I am in the office and I just know it's going to be a busy day, then in the evening we are travelling down to London to stay for the night as on Wednesday we have a site meeting in Brighton at the Venue for a festival we are planning for two weeks time, it's all part of my new job and very exciting, but busy busy busy!
Body; please be kind to me x
Tomorrow I am in the office and I just know it's going to be a busy day, then in the evening we are travelling down to London to stay for the night as on Wednesday we have a site meeting in Brighton at the Venue for a festival we are planning for two weeks time, it's all part of my new job and very exciting, but busy busy busy!
Body; please be kind to me x
Sunday 1 July 2012
Had my last day at my job at the play area yesterday, it was extremely weird..i've never had a last day before (that people knew about)
I'm kind of happy to leave, I'll still see everyone who works there and I can go and visit, but I have my new job now which is going to carry me through and into my career and i'm enjoying it so much so something had to give.
It will also be nice to have my weekends back for the summer :)
Still going strong
I'm kind of happy to leave, I'll still see everyone who works there and I can go and visit, but I have my new job now which is going to carry me through and into my career and i'm enjoying it so much so something had to give.
It will also be nice to have my weekends back for the summer :)
Still going strong
Friday 29 June 2012
Another new limit made, I've just got back from being away working since Tuesday - I did a whole day in the office on Tuesday, travelled up to Norfolk (about an hour away) Set up a trade stand, then worked 8 - 6pm on Weds and again yesterday, packed down, and came home - got home around 10.30pm.
AND I MANAGED :)
Just wanting to share my success!
Last day at the play area tomorrow, so i'll be down to one job over the summer, giving me more time to relax and prepare for third year of uni.
So so so happy i'm being able to do what I want and work on my career.
:)
AND I MANAGED :)
Just wanting to share my success!
Last day at the play area tomorrow, so i'll be down to one job over the summer, giving me more time to relax and prepare for third year of uni.
So so so happy i'm being able to do what I want and work on my career.
:)
Sunday 24 June 2012
Doing well..and I hope to continue to do well.
I've had a manic couple of weeks with my new job, so gave myself strict instructions on how to rest and think about it all, so far so good.
It is now starting to take its toll and I have to go away to work this week, just holding on at the moment and carrying on with positive thoughts; i'm so lucky to be able to work and get to where I want in life, for others its harder and sometimes takes longer..
Friday 15 June 2012
For my new followers who haven't been with me through this year..this is why passing my second year of university is so important.
I was so ill before Christmas, my attendance was so poor, I think that if I was on any other course - I would of been asked to leave. But thankfully I got the support I needed and was told to rest and take each day at a time.
I didn't submit any assignments in the first semester (sept - jan) and so was extremely behind. I got given many choices, most of which advised me to 'stop and start again in Sept 2012!' That meant being a year behind all my course mates and taking four years instead of three to complete my degree. Something within me told me not to give up, even though by this time I had two semesters work to complete in one. Which was just over four months to do a whole years worth of assignments. What would you of done?
Anyway, I got granted mitigating circumstances which gave me the time I needed to complete my assignments (considering all my health stays stable) They were giving me the support I needed but it was still down to me.
I took each day at a time, some days I would stare at my laptop and hardly write a sentence, others I would be able to bash out the best part of a 3,000 word essay! It really was hit and miss, I never thought through doing all of that, I would get there. It seemed never ending, but something within me kept me going, I wasn't going to admit defeat, I couldn't.
My attendance was still poor through the second semester, but I did manage a full week at university, once. Haha! But I still did it. There are some people that miss uni because they are hungover or just can't be bothered, at least they knew mine was a real reason! Everyone had also got their first semester results, so they knew what to work towards, I on the other hand, hadn't handed anything in so didn't get results, therefore didn't know if my work would make the grades!
As I got my results today it is obvious that I managed to get all my assignments in, slowly my work load decreased day by day and I managed to see the end. Upon handing in my last assignment of year two I couldn't believe it! I had done it!
This year was a massive test to me and I did so nearly give up, but here I am sitting here with my results in front of me!!
Never give up people, if you want it - there is a way to get it
x0x
I was so ill before Christmas, my attendance was so poor, I think that if I was on any other course - I would of been asked to leave. But thankfully I got the support I needed and was told to rest and take each day at a time.
I didn't submit any assignments in the first semester (sept - jan) and so was extremely behind. I got given many choices, most of which advised me to 'stop and start again in Sept 2012!' That meant being a year behind all my course mates and taking four years instead of three to complete my degree. Something within me told me not to give up, even though by this time I had two semesters work to complete in one. Which was just over four months to do a whole years worth of assignments. What would you of done?
Anyway, I got granted mitigating circumstances which gave me the time I needed to complete my assignments (considering all my health stays stable) They were giving me the support I needed but it was still down to me.
I took each day at a time, some days I would stare at my laptop and hardly write a sentence, others I would be able to bash out the best part of a 3,000 word essay! It really was hit and miss, I never thought through doing all of that, I would get there. It seemed never ending, but something within me kept me going, I wasn't going to admit defeat, I couldn't.
My attendance was still poor through the second semester, but I did manage a full week at university, once. Haha! But I still did it. There are some people that miss uni because they are hungover or just can't be bothered, at least they knew mine was a real reason! Everyone had also got their first semester results, so they knew what to work towards, I on the other hand, hadn't handed anything in so didn't get results, therefore didn't know if my work would make the grades!
As I got my results today it is obvious that I managed to get all my assignments in, slowly my work load decreased day by day and I managed to see the end. Upon handing in my last assignment of year two I couldn't believe it! I had done it!
This year was a massive test to me and I did so nearly give up, but here I am sitting here with my results in front of me!!
Never give up people, if you want it - there is a way to get it
x0x
Monday 11 June 2012
Watch out, this is going to be a big one!
A big update that is..haha!
Funny aren't I..
Just wanted to start by telling you that i've just got back from possibly the best dance class this year, I managed it ALL, didn't sit out for ANY of it, no funny turns and no second thoughts, I did it ALL, even the pirouettes, in both directions :) eeeeeeee! I was buzzing all the way home!
Anyway, so I meant to blog last week as I wasn't as happy as I am now, I was down and completely fed up! It all started with a NASTY sickness bug (sorry, this blog will have a lot of caps!) in which I was completely out of action all day, couldn't stand up by myself, didn't eat all day and couldn't even lift a cup to my mouth for a drink - it was awful! The only thing that kept me sane was the Jubilee coverage on TV, I watched a little - fell asleep, woke up and watching some more - Sky + is brill! ;)
I had to go into the office on Wednesday, of which I just broke down completely, I HATE crying as it just exhausts me more but better out than in I suppose. This for me I think was a turning point, I realised that I can't go on like this and something needed to be done. Anyway, I won't tell you what I thought to do, I will tell you what I have done
- I have started taking my vitamins again
- I have researched into getting a lightbox, they look quite worthwhile but they are quite expensive so I've ordered a lightbulb that has the same effect which is in my bedroom light as we speak :) Not using it loads because i'm not always home but little bits at a time, so we shall see how that goes.
- I've also (now this sounds funny) but put a lot of people straight on my facebook, I was always worried about what people would think if I had to cancel on them or not do something, which wasn't helping me really so now people know i'm ill, if they want to know whats wrong, they can ask me. Of which some did, and they were nothing but nice to me & I got lots of nice messages from those who already knew too, not sure what I was worried about :)
- I'm being sensible and only doing ballet for now, stopping tap until I'm better, I was struggling too much - at least this way I can concentrate on Ballet now and get stronger :)
- I'm going to continue to think of MYSELF, it's time to be selfish!
I can tell you....so far so good!
I can promise you that I will carry this on and hopefully get stronger by the day!
I want to let you all out there know, those that are struggling
you will get there
I've started to accept small things as big achievements, so even if it something small that you've done today that you didn't do yesterday then, well done you!
I've been up and down so so much in the last year, I wouldn't of even thought I would of been how I have, but it just goes to show sometimes you can't help how it affects you.
The main thing is don't give up!
Thank you for listening to me, always.
Lots of love and gentle hugs :)
Charlotte
A big update that is..haha!
Funny aren't I..
Just wanted to start by telling you that i've just got back from possibly the best dance class this year, I managed it ALL, didn't sit out for ANY of it, no funny turns and no second thoughts, I did it ALL, even the pirouettes, in both directions :) eeeeeeee! I was buzzing all the way home!
Anyway, so I meant to blog last week as I wasn't as happy as I am now, I was down and completely fed up! It all started with a NASTY sickness bug (sorry, this blog will have a lot of caps!) in which I was completely out of action all day, couldn't stand up by myself, didn't eat all day and couldn't even lift a cup to my mouth for a drink - it was awful! The only thing that kept me sane was the Jubilee coverage on TV, I watched a little - fell asleep, woke up and watching some more - Sky + is brill! ;)
I had to go into the office on Wednesday, of which I just broke down completely, I HATE crying as it just exhausts me more but better out than in I suppose. This for me I think was a turning point, I realised that I can't go on like this and something needed to be done. Anyway, I won't tell you what I thought to do, I will tell you what I have done
- I have started taking my vitamins again
- I have researched into getting a lightbox, they look quite worthwhile but they are quite expensive so I've ordered a lightbulb that has the same effect which is in my bedroom light as we speak :) Not using it loads because i'm not always home but little bits at a time, so we shall see how that goes.
- I've also (now this sounds funny) but put a lot of people straight on my facebook, I was always worried about what people would think if I had to cancel on them or not do something, which wasn't helping me really so now people know i'm ill, if they want to know whats wrong, they can ask me. Of which some did, and they were nothing but nice to me & I got lots of nice messages from those who already knew too, not sure what I was worried about :)
- I'm being sensible and only doing ballet for now, stopping tap until I'm better, I was struggling too much - at least this way I can concentrate on Ballet now and get stronger :)
- I'm going to continue to think of MYSELF, it's time to be selfish!
I can tell you....so far so good!
I can promise you that I will carry this on and hopefully get stronger by the day!
I want to let you all out there know, those that are struggling
you will get there
I've started to accept small things as big achievements, so even if it something small that you've done today that you didn't do yesterday then, well done you!
I've been up and down so so much in the last year, I wouldn't of even thought I would of been how I have, but it just goes to show sometimes you can't help how it affects you.
The main thing is don't give up!
Thank you for listening to me, always.
Lots of love and gentle hugs :)
Charlotte
Sunday 20 May 2012
3 DAYS UNTIL HOLIDAY! YAYYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
Excited. If you hadn't guessed.
So anyway, I thought it was common courtesy (where I live anyway) to let neighbours know when you're having a massive party that goes on until 4am, obviously not. Don't they know I NEED my sleep?!
Crap nights sleep and lots of pain = Charlotte completely out of it today. Day to spend indoors then, packings almost done so I can chill out. Two days in the office tomo and tues then holiday on Weds. Counting down the hours!!!!
Heres me, my sister, cousin and Grandad chilling yesterday in the garden whilst Grandad told us his story of a little bird he saved, hehe!
Me & my cousin also did some Jewellery bits, I made her a phone charm and then I made these for my site
: )
www.facebook.com/charlotteslittlehandmadetreats
Friday 18 May 2012
Trying to build myself back up, 5 days until Majorca and i'm definitely in the mood now!! I CAN'T WAIT.
I made this anklet the other day to go with the new bikini I got :) (of which I won't post a pic ;))
Managed to go shopping yesterday, got a few nice purchases, I was unsure of this dress to start with but it was a bargain, so I got it and tried it on when I got home - I like it, and plus it'll look fab with a tan!!
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Then got this stripey maxi dress to have over my bikini in the day time :)
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Today is designated to packing and building myself up again.
Tuesday 15 May 2012
I've lost my sparkle, has anyone seen it?
So today I think I've pretty much hit relapse, I forced my body beyond it's limits and now it hates me. My frame of mind doesn't help either at the moment. I have reluctantly spent the whole afternoon in bed, and tomorrow will probably end up doing the same.
This is how I don't want to be, where I can't do anything.
If you find my sparkle, tell it off and tell it to perk up and come back to me because I need to bounce back ASAP and stronger than ever
So today I think I've pretty much hit relapse, I forced my body beyond it's limits and now it hates me. My frame of mind doesn't help either at the moment. I have reluctantly spent the whole afternoon in bed, and tomorrow will probably end up doing the same.
This is how I don't want to be, where I can't do anything.
If you find my sparkle, tell it off and tell it to perk up and come back to me because I need to bounce back ASAP and stronger than ever
Sunday 13 May 2012
I know i'm smiling, but inside I'm actually crying.
I'm having a tough couple of weeks with whatever illness they've palmed me off with, hypothyroidism, ME, whatever..
When you are already completely shattered, putting on an act is just too much. But still, somehow I manage to do it. It's started to get to me, i'm tired of being tired. I'm trying so badly but sometimes just putting on an act is too much.
Too many pains through my body for NO reason, funny feelings in my body that make me want to be sick, again - for NO reason. Limited on my daily routine, this is my life now - but I've been thinking lately 'wow, what if I could just do things non-stop all day then go out in the evening, wouldn't that be lovely' Which isn't the right frame of mind, this is me now and this is what I should be concentrating on.
Not sure why it's getting me down, I'm just fed up of it having to be an excuse for things, i'm fed up of having to include it in my daily thoughts just so I don't 'over do it' and relapse.
I'm sure this is just a bad period, but for the first time in a very long time, it's getting me very very down.
But who would know? Unless you read this post, if you see me - I have a smile on my face!
I'm having a tough couple of weeks with whatever illness they've palmed me off with, hypothyroidism, ME, whatever..
When you are already completely shattered, putting on an act is just too much. But still, somehow I manage to do it. It's started to get to me, i'm tired of being tired. I'm trying so badly but sometimes just putting on an act is too much.
Too many pains through my body for NO reason, funny feelings in my body that make me want to be sick, again - for NO reason. Limited on my daily routine, this is my life now - but I've been thinking lately 'wow, what if I could just do things non-stop all day then go out in the evening, wouldn't that be lovely' Which isn't the right frame of mind, this is me now and this is what I should be concentrating on.
Not sure why it's getting me down, I'm just fed up of it having to be an excuse for things, i'm fed up of having to include it in my daily thoughts just so I don't 'over do it' and relapse.
I'm sure this is just a bad period, but for the first time in a very long time, it's getting me very very down.
But who would know? Unless you read this post, if you see me - I have a smile on my face!
Tuesday 24 April 2012
Trying to hold on to the good days at the moment, really struggling, hope I start to improve soon instead of completely crash.
Just want to sleep all the time
arghhhh!!!!!!!
So many deadlines too, I need to finish uni on time - then I can have my long summer to myself.
Staying positive is exhausting in itself
Just want to sleep all the time
arghhhh!!!!!!!
So many deadlines too, I need to finish uni on time - then I can have my long summer to myself.
Staying positive is exhausting in itself
Rolling with the bad days as I just do the best I can.
The way I look at it is, I'm alive, I'm managing - I'm grateful. Things could be a lot worse. Yes I have bad days, but I have good days too. It's about balancing them out.
I believe that my ME has been a lot better lately but that could be down to quite a few things.
I have stopped drinking alcohol completely (didn't drink much before anyway) and stopped drinking fizzy drinks too.
My thyroid meds were put up by 50mg instead of the normal increase of 25mg
I also have a different outlook, I am able to push myself - it is just about knowing if you can push yourself of not. Like today, I can't push myself so I'm staying in, BUT i'm not giving in completely. I have my wheat bag and laptop on the sofa and i'm reading through uni articles. Thats the balance.
Anyway so, after my blog about working 8 days in a row I didn't update you on anything, it's all been a bit of a blur, I now have a new job (it's all a little top secret at the moment) but lets just put it this way..if it works out (which I think it will) thats my graduate position sorted :)
It was also Maxs birthday last Thursday and we had a great day. He's so adorable and was buzzing all day, bless him! Can't believe he is two already. Time flies! Christening on Sunday, can't wait.
We had a great day, even topped off by a visit from Sylvester the cat! Amazing.
Me and Matt also booked a holiday yesterday, all inclusive to Majorca in 29 days time, I CAN'T WAIT!!! Going to lay there ALL week and read. Oh and get a tan!!
Trying to get through uni work today, slowly slowly.
The sun will come out tomorrow
The way I look at it is, I'm alive, I'm managing - I'm grateful. Things could be a lot worse. Yes I have bad days, but I have good days too. It's about balancing them out.
I believe that my ME has been a lot better lately but that could be down to quite a few things.
I have stopped drinking alcohol completely (didn't drink much before anyway) and stopped drinking fizzy drinks too.
My thyroid meds were put up by 50mg instead of the normal increase of 25mg
I also have a different outlook, I am able to push myself - it is just about knowing if you can push yourself of not. Like today, I can't push myself so I'm staying in, BUT i'm not giving in completely. I have my wheat bag and laptop on the sofa and i'm reading through uni articles. Thats the balance.
Anyway so, after my blog about working 8 days in a row I didn't update you on anything, it's all been a bit of a blur, I now have a new job (it's all a little top secret at the moment) but lets just put it this way..if it works out (which I think it will) thats my graduate position sorted :)
It was also Maxs birthday last Thursday and we had a great day. He's so adorable and was buzzing all day, bless him! Can't believe he is two already. Time flies! Christening on Sunday, can't wait.
Me and Matt also booked a holiday yesterday, all inclusive to Majorca in 29 days time, I CAN'T WAIT!!! Going to lay there ALL week and read. Oh and get a tan!!
Trying to get through uni work today, slowly slowly.
The sun will come out tomorrow
Monday 9 April 2012
YES, I've just managed to work eight days in a row.
NO my ME isn't 'cured' or 'fake'
I think I can be the one to say that people go through the good and the bad times with ME, I sure have experienced it all.
Working this week has been the most I've done in years, the first time in years I've felt normal and with it. Everyone deserves to feel like that for any amount of time.
What people don't understand is the sacrifices you have to make to be able to attempt to feel 'normal'
I don't go out in the evenings, I'm almost always in bed by 8 to get at least 10 hours sleep and lots of rest time, I have to say no to some things, because I know I'm then doing something the next day which I need energy for, I may as well have my wheat bag glued to me as I always am warming it up and applying it to whatever part of my body needs most. That is not normal for a twenty year old really, is it?
That has been me every single night for the past week, I have put on my smiles and when I've done my hours, I get home and completely crash. Where as others would be able to get in and then carry on doing things, tidying, watching TV, whatever.
Some of you may be thinking, well that's not fun, working and crashing? Well for me - it's going to lead to where I want to/need to get in my career, I am determined as well as motivated to get to where I want, get the future that I've always dreamed of. If I pull it off, I won't have to work a 9-5 day job and I will be able to enjoy life as well as rest. But I believe there is a time and place for everything - that will be then, this is now. I'm working hard to balance, it doesn't always work but I'm trying.
I will be the first person to tell you that ME is awful and depressing and life changing, but I am also on the quest to find ways round this awful illness and control it.
Everyone deserves the life they love.
NO my ME isn't 'cured' or 'fake'
I think I can be the one to say that people go through the good and the bad times with ME, I sure have experienced it all.
Working this week has been the most I've done in years, the first time in years I've felt normal and with it. Everyone deserves to feel like that for any amount of time.
What people don't understand is the sacrifices you have to make to be able to attempt to feel 'normal'
I don't go out in the evenings, I'm almost always in bed by 8 to get at least 10 hours sleep and lots of rest time, I have to say no to some things, because I know I'm then doing something the next day which I need energy for, I may as well have my wheat bag glued to me as I always am warming it up and applying it to whatever part of my body needs most. That is not normal for a twenty year old really, is it?
That has been me every single night for the past week, I have put on my smiles and when I've done my hours, I get home and completely crash. Where as others would be able to get in and then carry on doing things, tidying, watching TV, whatever.
Some of you may be thinking, well that's not fun, working and crashing? Well for me - it's going to lead to where I want to/need to get in my career, I am determined as well as motivated to get to where I want, get the future that I've always dreamed of. If I pull it off, I won't have to work a 9-5 day job and I will be able to enjoy life as well as rest. But I believe there is a time and place for everything - that will be then, this is now. I'm working hard to balance, it doesn't always work but I'm trying.
I will be the first person to tell you that ME is awful and depressing and life changing, but I am also on the quest to find ways round this awful illness and control it.
Everyone deserves the life they love.
Sunday 8 April 2012
Haven't blogged in AGES..so here's a big one.
The last time I blogged, I'd just got back from a working trip in London, I then went on holiday to Lowestoft for five days - it was when we had the most gorgeous weather and all we did all week was chill out - I was in skirts and dresses and we spent alot of time relaxing on the beach or in the caravan, I even got to read and I never read at home :) I read Stacey Solomons autobiography and really enjoyed it.
Those five days went really quickly, and soon enough I was back home in Suffolk! I was thrust right into routine again, along with hurting my shoulder and ending up in the minor injury clinic (I tore the rotator cuff muscle) so I was in a sling for a while. But if you know me, you'd know that it didn't stop me and I carried on. I had various work placements this week, some more exciting than others.
BUT
I've done things this week that I never thought i'd manage again, i've pushed myself and in result, I've set myself new limits, i'll be able to look back and say 'well I did it that week' So I may be a little achey and sleepy now, but I'm determined to stay positive. A few months ago I couldn't even manage one day work a week!
SO..Happy Easter everyone!! I made the recipe on the back of the mini egg packet last night - chocolate cupcakes with chocolate butter cream icing, a nest of flake and mini eggs in the middle - i'm yet to taste one but I'm excited as they look YUM!
The last time I blogged, I'd just got back from a working trip in London, I then went on holiday to Lowestoft for five days - it was when we had the most gorgeous weather and all we did all week was chill out - I was in skirts and dresses and we spent alot of time relaxing on the beach or in the caravan, I even got to read and I never read at home :) I read Stacey Solomons autobiography and really enjoyed it.
Those five days went really quickly, and soon enough I was back home in Suffolk! I was thrust right into routine again, along with hurting my shoulder and ending up in the minor injury clinic (I tore the rotator cuff muscle) so I was in a sling for a while. But if you know me, you'd know that it didn't stop me and I carried on. I had various work placements this week, some more exciting than others.
BUT
I've done things this week that I never thought i'd manage again, i've pushed myself and in result, I've set myself new limits, i'll be able to look back and say 'well I did it that week' So I may be a little achey and sleepy now, but I'm determined to stay positive. A few months ago I couldn't even manage one day work a week!
SO..Happy Easter everyone!! I made the recipe on the back of the mini egg packet last night - chocolate cupcakes with chocolate butter cream icing, a nest of flake and mini eggs in the middle - i'm yet to taste one but I'm excited as they look YUM!
I have another busy week (ish) this week, but more fun this time and I will get to relax too. On Wednesday, me & Matt are doing another two days (one night) away to Pontins, but this time we are taking baby Max, his Godson for his 2nd birthday. I'm really excited, everythings ready, we just need to wait for Wednesday to arrive now!
Anyway, it's a quicker blog than i'd like but i'm not too great this morning, I fell asleep in my clothes last night (I wasn't drunk) just crashed! I'm heading to a local farm today for a little while to help out as part of my events management experience.
Hope everyone has a lovely Easter weekend eating what they gave up for lent.
Speak to you soon
Lots of love
xxxxxxxx
Sunday 25 March 2012
Sorry I haven't blogged in, well - over a week! How bad of me.
I've been quite busy and a lots happened, I'm not going to sit and tell you minute by minute of it all because i'm tired lol.
In the past week I've been down to London for work, two LONG days with lots of tubes and trains = a very over tired and emotional Charlotte. I'm going away on Monday for five days, I can't wait to get away and chill out, I think I've earned it.
So I know this is a boring blog, but I felt bag for not being in contact! I will be back soon and on form, I promise!!
In the mean time, we'll speak on twitter :)
@fightMEstrong
I've been quite busy and a lots happened, I'm not going to sit and tell you minute by minute of it all because i'm tired lol.
In the past week I've been down to London for work, two LONG days with lots of tubes and trains = a very over tired and emotional Charlotte. I'm going away on Monday for five days, I can't wait to get away and chill out, I think I've earned it.
So I know this is a boring blog, but I felt bag for not being in contact! I will be back soon and on form, I promise!!
In the mean time, we'll speak on twitter :)
@fightMEstrong
Friday 16 March 2012
One thing I've started to do lately is wonder more and more about what things mean, I have always believed that everything happens for a reason - therefore every aspect has a meaning too?
For example, Magpies are always around me. I never saw them and now - in the last few years, they're always around where ever I go. Unfortunately I couldn't find out much about their symbolism.
Anyway so the latest thing that I wanted to find out is dream interpretations - why last night did I dream of Zoo animals?!
So I did what I always do when I'm not sure..GOOGLE IT!
One site said: A zoo is a place where animals are caged and bred. Has your heart become like a Zoo? Do you breed animal like qualities such as anger, jealousy and hatred? Alternatively, your dream may represent your good psychological qualities that need to be released. You must decide. (dreamsleep.net)
Another said: If you have a wild animal dream that scares or confronts you, look for where in your life you are afraid of taking a risk, or where you are not allowing yourself to feel free or experience something fully because you might be afraid of what will be released if you do.
If you dream of wild animals, look for where changes are happening, and whether you are resisting them or embracing them. Wild animal dreams invite you to trust your instincts, to discover your own independent source of power, and to understand the challenges and rewards of freedom. (thedreamwell.wordpress.com)
SO - who would of said my zoo animal dream meant that? Not me..but I tell you - it does make sense to my pattern of thinking lately, probably in more ways than one.
I won't go into too much detail because, well, it's my life and this is only a blog! But it does make sense to me & I think that's amazing!
It's mine and Matts 6 month anniversary today, and he is now my longest relationship - a lot of people think just because I am older than him, that I am more experienced, had more relationships and all that - well thats untrue. What I don't talk about a lot is my relationship before Matt, I try not to let it influence my train of thought now but sometimes it creeps in. To me, this is why I can understand the dream symbolism from last night. I'll explain to anyone if they want me to, but I'm not about to write it all over my blog!
I also think that my dream links in with ME. A lot of people with ME feel trapped, I am trying to learn to trust my instincts - if I don't feel good, then I will put myself first, and not force myself to do something I don't feel good about. I listen to my body but I don't let it control me.
'not allowing yourself to feel free or experience something fully because you might be afraid of what will be released if you do' I think everyone can relate to this sentence! So you must all be dreaming about Zoo animals - haha! We are always, always, always scared of that R word, relapsing - because that puts us somewhere we don't really want to be - out of control.
You may not agree with what I just wrote, but I just thought i'd share with you my dream and its symbolism, I like to think about things a little further.
So - in the inspiration of my dream, release yourself - don't be scared of ME. You control it.
and remember. 'everything happens for a reason, you might just not know it yet'
For example, Magpies are always around me. I never saw them and now - in the last few years, they're always around where ever I go. Unfortunately I couldn't find out much about their symbolism.
Anyway so the latest thing that I wanted to find out is dream interpretations - why last night did I dream of Zoo animals?!
So I did what I always do when I'm not sure..GOOGLE IT!
One site said: A zoo is a place where animals are caged and bred. Has your heart become like a Zoo? Do you breed animal like qualities such as anger, jealousy and hatred? Alternatively, your dream may represent your good psychological qualities that need to be released. You must decide. (dreamsleep.net)
Another said: If you have a wild animal dream that scares or confronts you, look for where in your life you are afraid of taking a risk, or where you are not allowing yourself to feel free or experience something fully because you might be afraid of what will be released if you do.
If you dream of wild animals, look for where changes are happening, and whether you are resisting them or embracing them. Wild animal dreams invite you to trust your instincts, to discover your own independent source of power, and to understand the challenges and rewards of freedom. (thedreamwell.wordpress.com)
SO - who would of said my zoo animal dream meant that? Not me..but I tell you - it does make sense to my pattern of thinking lately, probably in more ways than one.
I won't go into too much detail because, well, it's my life and this is only a blog! But it does make sense to me & I think that's amazing!
It's mine and Matts 6 month anniversary today, and he is now my longest relationship - a lot of people think just because I am older than him, that I am more experienced, had more relationships and all that - well thats untrue. What I don't talk about a lot is my relationship before Matt, I try not to let it influence my train of thought now but sometimes it creeps in. To me, this is why I can understand the dream symbolism from last night. I'll explain to anyone if they want me to, but I'm not about to write it all over my blog!
I also think that my dream links in with ME. A lot of people with ME feel trapped, I am trying to learn to trust my instincts - if I don't feel good, then I will put myself first, and not force myself to do something I don't feel good about. I listen to my body but I don't let it control me.
'not allowing yourself to feel free or experience something fully because you might be afraid of what will be released if you do' I think everyone can relate to this sentence! So you must all be dreaming about Zoo animals - haha! We are always, always, always scared of that R word, relapsing - because that puts us somewhere we don't really want to be - out of control.
You may not agree with what I just wrote, but I just thought i'd share with you my dream and its symbolism, I like to think about things a little further.
So - in the inspiration of my dream, release yourself - don't be scared of ME. You control it.
and remember. 'everything happens for a reason, you might just not know it yet'
Tuesday 13 March 2012
I've just re-read an assignment from last semester (that I got referred in) and it is AWFUL. It was the only assignment that I managed to submit because I was so ill - not that it did me any good as I need to re-submit anyway.
Shows how far i've come I suppose? This semesters assignments are sooo much better!!
I didn't even spell check..man, What was going through my head?!!?
Shows how far i've come I suppose? This semesters assignments are sooo much better!!
I didn't even spell check..man, What was going through my head?!!?
Just read my DSA report
Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be..
He put across everything well, it portrays my struggle yet positive frame of mind. The guy that did my assessment and recommendations has ordered me a 13inch laptop, printer, speakers and microphone with special software to record notes in lectures as well as mind map my plans to save typing them all out. Hopefully this will help me a lot in lectures, too bad i'm nearly finished for the year though! Oh well, it will come in handy for third year for sure!!
As mum said, if I am entitled to it, I may as well get it!
Just had to blog again to let you all know..
:) Thanks for all your support everyone
xxxxxxxxxx
Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be..
He put across everything well, it portrays my struggle yet positive frame of mind. The guy that did my assessment and recommendations has ordered me a 13inch laptop, printer, speakers and microphone with special software to record notes in lectures as well as mind map my plans to save typing them all out. Hopefully this will help me a lot in lectures, too bad i'm nearly finished for the year though! Oh well, it will come in handy for third year for sure!!
As mum said, if I am entitled to it, I may as well get it!
Just had to blog again to let you all know..
:) Thanks for all your support everyone
xxxxxxxxxx
Rubbishy morning, but I'm determined to focus on the positives, however much my body/brain doesn't want to..
I went up onto demi pointe last night in ballet, first time since 17th December 2011, two days before I injured myself! I'm getting there, I feel mentally tired this morning so didn't go and see my friend to go dress shopping - instead I'm just staying in, i'm so close to finishing my assignments that need to be in before Easter! I have to go into uni tomorrow but thats it for the week.
I'm excited to spend Friday with Sophie, her daughter and baby Max. Will be nice to chill out knowing that my essays are handed in! Me & Matt are then spending the evening together for our anniversary - followed by Lakeside on Sunday :) Apart from that, I need to enjoy my quiet week and REST.
Still haven't looked at my DSA report, I will do later though - promise!
x0x0x
I went up onto demi pointe last night in ballet, first time since 17th December 2011, two days before I injured myself! I'm getting there, I feel mentally tired this morning so didn't go and see my friend to go dress shopping - instead I'm just staying in, i'm so close to finishing my assignments that need to be in before Easter! I have to go into uni tomorrow but thats it for the week.
I'm excited to spend Friday with Sophie, her daughter and baby Max. Will be nice to chill out knowing that my essays are handed in! Me & Matt are then spending the evening together for our anniversary - followed by Lakeside on Sunday :) Apart from that, I need to enjoy my quiet week and REST.
Still haven't looked at my DSA report, I will do later though - promise!
x0x0x
Monday 12 March 2012
My DSA report came through today, I don't want to look at it :( so it's sitting there unopened, there is something about talking about my illness (or seeing it written down) that upsets me, I manage okay but admitting all my struggles doesn't make me feel better!
I still have my hip pain :( it's not really fair is it, but I HATE going to the DRS, they will just say something along the lines of 'rest' or 'take pain killers' so I may as well not waste their time by going haha!
Anyway, getting on with everything none-the-less, I have a pretty quiet week this week thankfully, as next week is busy - I'm off to work in London!
Despite my pain, I'm SO excited to go back to dancing tonight, I haven't been since before Christmas (except for one week a couple of weeks ago) due to injury so I'm raring to go and get back into it, I have a lot of catching up to do - don't worry, I will take it easy! :)
I'm ready like two hours early, woops haha, I need to conserve my energy/excitement for when I am actually there!
I love getting ready to be a ballerina ;) then quick change into my tap shoes for my new tap class!! Excited!
I will man up and read my DSA report soon, and I will be sure to let you know! :)
Have a good evening guys, I can still hear the birds chirping! Spring is on its waaaaaay :)
Charlotte x
I still have my hip pain :( it's not really fair is it, but I HATE going to the DRS, they will just say something along the lines of 'rest' or 'take pain killers' so I may as well not waste their time by going haha!
Anyway, getting on with everything none-the-less, I have a pretty quiet week this week thankfully, as next week is busy - I'm off to work in London!
Despite my pain, I'm SO excited to go back to dancing tonight, I haven't been since before Christmas (except for one week a couple of weeks ago) due to injury so I'm raring to go and get back into it, I have a lot of catching up to do - don't worry, I will take it easy! :)
I'm ready like two hours early, woops haha, I need to conserve my energy/excitement for when I am actually there!
I love getting ready to be a ballerina ;) then quick change into my tap shoes for my new tap class!! Excited!
I will man up and read my DSA report soon, and I will be sure to let you know! :)
Have a good evening guys, I can still hear the birds chirping! Spring is on its waaaaaay :)
Charlotte x
Sunday 11 March 2012
Morning everyone.
Firstly like to say sorry for my negative post the other day, wasn't like me but I was in a bad place!
Secondly, it's a beautiful spring morning this morning - that makes me very happy! :)
I managed all eight hours of work yesterday, God knows how. I spent an hour of it sitting at the top of the slide in a daze!! But I managed none-the-less. Today I need to just chill out, I feel like I didn't want to work yesterday so now I need to make up for it and just chill. My pains are also really bad at the moment, my hip is so painful however I sit or lay and my right arm keeps locking and not wanting to move. It makes me want to cry, like my manager said yesterday 'you're too young Charlotte' Hmm! Doctors tomorrow? Possibly!!
Hope everyone has a good restful Sunday,
x0x0x0x
Firstly like to say sorry for my negative post the other day, wasn't like me but I was in a bad place!
Secondly, it's a beautiful spring morning this morning - that makes me very happy! :)
I managed all eight hours of work yesterday, God knows how. I spent an hour of it sitting at the top of the slide in a daze!! But I managed none-the-less. Today I need to just chill out, I feel like I didn't want to work yesterday so now I need to make up for it and just chill. My pains are also really bad at the moment, my hip is so painful however I sit or lay and my right arm keeps locking and not wanting to move. It makes me want to cry, like my manager said yesterday 'you're too young Charlotte' Hmm! Doctors tomorrow? Possibly!!
Hope everyone has a good restful Sunday,
x0x0x0x
Friday 9 March 2012
Such a horrible horrible mood today, my hips ache SO much it's making me want to cry, as well as wanting to cry due to feeling on the verge of a breakdown..
I hate being so anxious, too many essays and things to do, it's becoming a chore, I want to enjoy my degree. Argh.
Nothing is sounding right with these essays, I'm doubting myself - I want it to be worth it but I just don't feel like I am as good as everyone else on my course. I won't go into things as I don't feel in the mood for sharing everything in my head, I'm too tired of it all.
Take me back to feeling all relaxed like I was yesterday at Pontins!!
:(
I hate being so anxious, too many essays and things to do, it's becoming a chore, I want to enjoy my degree. Argh.
Nothing is sounding right with these essays, I'm doubting myself - I want it to be worth it but I just don't feel like I am as good as everyone else on my course. I won't go into things as I don't feel in the mood for sharing everything in my head, I'm too tired of it all.
Take me back to feeling all relaxed like I was yesterday at Pontins!!
:(
Tuesday 6 March 2012
GETTING THERE....
So I've submitted two assignments today, and had different tutorials with lecturers for help on others - I WILL get caught up!!
I also had my DSA assessment today, it was draining sitting there for a whole hour talking about my illnesses but hey ho - if I'm entitled to some stuff, I may as well get it! He's recommended that I get a new laptop with recording equipment and special software that I can take video notes on for lectures. It should take about two weeks to process my assessment then i'll be sent the stuff..:)
Me & Matt go to Pontins tomorrow, only for one night but I am SO glad that we decided to book it, because now the time has come around, we both need it! We are going to chill, indulge and take photos. I can't wait :)
Everything seems to be sorting out, I just need to make sure that I SLOW down and don't relapse, so if anyone see's me doing too much, tell me off!! I need reminding.
Have a lovely rest of your week everyone :) I'll catch up with you all later this week
Love and hugs xxxxxxx
So I've submitted two assignments today, and had different tutorials with lecturers for help on others - I WILL get caught up!!
I also had my DSA assessment today, it was draining sitting there for a whole hour talking about my illnesses but hey ho - if I'm entitled to some stuff, I may as well get it! He's recommended that I get a new laptop with recording equipment and special software that I can take video notes on for lectures. It should take about two weeks to process my assessment then i'll be sent the stuff..:)
Me & Matt go to Pontins tomorrow, only for one night but I am SO glad that we decided to book it, because now the time has come around, we both need it! We are going to chill, indulge and take photos. I can't wait :)
Everything seems to be sorting out, I just need to make sure that I SLOW down and don't relapse, so if anyone see's me doing too much, tell me off!! I need reminding.
Have a lovely rest of your week everyone :) I'll catch up with you all later this week
Love and hugs xxxxxxx
Monday 5 March 2012
Guess who lasted a WHOLE week at university.
ME ME ME! I did.
I haven't done that in over a year, wow! It's been a good week.
I also had my first weekend this year that i've been busy both Saturday and Sunday - I worked Saturday then I photographed and attended my friends daughters Christening :) It was a lovely day and I loved being 'official photographer'
This is me and Courtney-Mae :) Isn't she adorable!
Anyway, so now I have to rest rest rest before I do something silly and relapse! Thankfully I have a week off uni now, I have to go in tomorrow for a DSA assessment and various meetings with lecturers but thats it! Then the rest of the week is mine to chill out. Me & Matt go to Pontins Wednesday so that'll be nice, to relax :)
Just sorting through stuff this morning and organising my summer, it's going to be a big one! I have lots of jobs already booked in, as well as holidays! Good balance I think, just hope my health starts to stabilise itself! I can hope :)
Hope everyone is as well as they can be, March already? Where is 2012 going in such a hurry!
xxxxxxxxxxx
ME ME ME! I did.
I haven't done that in over a year, wow! It's been a good week.
I also had my first weekend this year that i've been busy both Saturday and Sunday - I worked Saturday then I photographed and attended my friends daughters Christening :) It was a lovely day and I loved being 'official photographer'
This is me and Courtney-Mae :) Isn't she adorable!
Anyway, so now I have to rest rest rest before I do something silly and relapse! Thankfully I have a week off uni now, I have to go in tomorrow for a DSA assessment and various meetings with lecturers but thats it! Then the rest of the week is mine to chill out. Me & Matt go to Pontins Wednesday so that'll be nice, to relax :)
Just sorting through stuff this morning and organising my summer, it's going to be a big one! I have lots of jobs already booked in, as well as holidays! Good balance I think, just hope my health starts to stabilise itself! I can hope :)
Hope everyone is as well as they can be, March already? Where is 2012 going in such a hurry!
xxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday 29 February 2012
TWO days to blog about..get ready ;)
I'd first like to start by saying that I've done three out of four days at uni this week so far!! WOOOO. Haven't managed that in AGES. & tomorrow if I manage uni (which I reckon I will) I'd of done a whole week, something I haven't done this academic year!
HOOOORAAAYY!!
Also - boring bit. I met with my course leader today, she is taking me out of the group that had all the drama last week 'cos of that one person. I am being given my own individual task to do. I'm so pleased as I hate group work and this means that I can work at my own pace and not have to worry about anyone else! Result :)
ANYWAAAAAAY; I met up with my best friend yesterday and we had a little wander round town :) And I did something out of the ordinary, bought some jeans! They have the potential to be good jeans, I just need to wear them in! :)
I'd first like to start by saying that I've done three out of four days at uni this week so far!! WOOOO. Haven't managed that in AGES. & tomorrow if I manage uni (which I reckon I will) I'd of done a whole week, something I haven't done this academic year!
HOOOORAAAYY!!
Also - boring bit. I met with my course leader today, she is taking me out of the group that had all the drama last week 'cos of that one person. I am being given my own individual task to do. I'm so pleased as I hate group work and this means that I can work at my own pace and not have to worry about anyone else! Result :)
ANYWAAAAAAY; I met up with my best friend yesterday and we had a little wander round town :) And I did something out of the ordinary, bought some jeans! They have the potential to be good jeans, I just need to wear them in! :)
I also did my Jessie J nails too, I was pleased with the outcome but next time I think they will be better! :)
ALSO - my ring arrived today, Matt special ordered it as an anniversary present and because it's personalised, it took a little while to get here. It was nice for it to arrive today and we wandered to town to get it and have a subway. He's so good to me :) He also sent off for his passport so we can start looking/saving for a hot holiday, woooo!! I'm so excited, as well as Pontins next week and Kessingland at the end of the month. You'd think we'd get sick of each other but we don't lol!
Cute isn't it? :)
Anyway, I'm happy because things are FINALLY looking up and it feels like i'm getting somewhere. When I have good weeks it makes me think, God did I really feel THAT ill last week, and the answer is yes - I did. But it always seems a distant memory when it disappears for a while. However, I'm also thinking, today is a good health day but when will these good days stop and I will have a bad one? It's a little pessimistic, but I wake up thinking 'Am I bad today? Is that all I'm going to get of feeling well?'
Oh well - it definitely makes me appreciate the good days and get stuff sorted.
Being in uni all this week has made me realise how much I like my degree. I make sure that everything I do 1. I want to and 2. is good use of time & if i'm not happy I change it. It's important to me and I love my life.
Hope everyone is okay, if you proposed today - hope he said yes ;)
hehe!
Take care spoonies
Love Charlotte xxxx
Monday 27 February 2012
Expect the worse..
Then it is never as bad as you thought it would be.
really doesn't have a leg to stand on!!
I also met with my personal tutor - she isn't happy that I had to receive that message and agrees that it was from a person who really isn't in a place to say those things!
Just have to sort out now whats happening with the group work!
We also had a chat about a day out next week as I have the week off uni - we both decided that we wanted to go somewhere a reasonable distance away but that would mean too much driving for me. So we have booked to go to Pontins for one night next week. I'm extremely excited, I've never been to Pontins before and I am in need of a night away so it will be really nice! :) Also going to take my camera - of course!
I came home and managed two thirds of an essay, I was on a roll!! :) If all of them can happen that easily then i'll be caught up in no time! I also just realised I really only have a month left of uni, as most of April is Easter hols then we finish on the 4th May!! How strange.
This is more of a 'what i've been up to' blog today, I hope you enjoyed it all the same! :)
Blog soon,
Love Charlotte x0x
Then it is never as bad as you thought it would be.
So guess what, the hypocritical 'ignorant' person who caused all my upset last week (texting me nasty messages because I couldn't make it to uni due to waking up ill) wasn't even in lectures today..I then found
out (through FB, the route of all gossip) that it was because she spent the day with her boyfriend! Boy - she really doesn't have a leg to stand on!!
I also met with my personal tutor - she isn't happy that I had to receive that message and agrees that it was from a person who really isn't in a place to say those things!
Just have to sort out now whats happening with the group work!
Today has been a good day all in all. Me and Matt went for a walk this afternoon down the sea front, it was nice - I love the sea air! I also took my camera, I haven't been able to take photos in so long so it was nice to snap away. Although Matt kept taking the camera to see if he could take some good shots too! He then swapped that for me taking a photo of him instead.!
Here are some of the photos I took...
We also had a chat about a day out next week as I have the week off uni - we both decided that we wanted to go somewhere a reasonable distance away but that would mean too much driving for me. So we have booked to go to Pontins for one night next week. I'm extremely excited, I've never been to Pontins before and I am in need of a night away so it will be really nice! :) Also going to take my camera - of course!
I came home and managed two thirds of an essay, I was on a roll!! :) If all of them can happen that easily then i'll be caught up in no time! I also just realised I really only have a month left of uni, as most of April is Easter hols then we finish on the 4th May!! How strange.
This is more of a 'what i've been up to' blog today, I hope you enjoyed it all the same! :)
Blog soon,
Love Charlotte x0x
Sunday 26 February 2012
went out last night, first time in FOREVER. It was a good night but I'm glad I'm not one of these people that goes out every weekend! I was glad to get in my bed. If it wasn't for my craving for Purple Rain, I'd of been sober - I don't really drink. I also had to wear flats as heels was just too much for my foot that still doesn't seem to be better.
Anyway, we went to a few places - had a little dance then headed home early hours this morning. I was happy to be home & put Matts jumper on :) I ache today but I'm not over tired, therefore I'm going to have a super restful day & just chill out at home!
I have lectures tomorrow morning but I'm anxious about going in after all the drama last week. I hate tension and I care way too much about what people think. :( I don't know what to do! Trying to keep positive but lately I let myself think all sorts and put myself down.
I haven't spoken to anyone since and it's just all awkward to be honest, I have so much anger inside me about it all but I hate drama and a part of me just wants to ignore it all. But I've got to go and speak to my tutors about it all, more time and energy I need to find - all because of some ignorant bitch. Grr.
I have uni this week then we have reading week - finally some time off! I miss my boyfriend, we need to have a day out together.
I miss smiling because I'm happy, I'm smiling at the moment because it's easier and i'm trying to tell myself it's all going to be okay, which I know it is. I just can't wait for that time to come.
Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine, thanks for listening, as always
Charlotte x-x
I have lectures tomorrow morning but I'm anxious about going in after all the drama last week. I hate tension and I care way too much about what people think. :( I don't know what to do! Trying to keep positive but lately I let myself think all sorts and put myself down.
I haven't spoken to anyone since and it's just all awkward to be honest, I have so much anger inside me about it all but I hate drama and a part of me just wants to ignore it all. But I've got to go and speak to my tutors about it all, more time and energy I need to find - all because of some ignorant bitch. Grr.
I have uni this week then we have reading week - finally some time off! I miss my boyfriend, we need to have a day out together.
I miss smiling because I'm happy, I'm smiling at the moment because it's easier and i'm trying to tell myself it's all going to be okay, which I know it is. I just can't wait for that time to come.
Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine, thanks for listening, as always
Charlotte x-x
Friday 24 February 2012
Hello everyone, not much to report today, i'm still feeling very drained from yesterday. I don't know where the day has gone, I haven't even done much - which I don't like because I like being productive.
Although I did do my gel nails again :) I did a different pattern this time..look..
Although I did do my gel nails again :) I did a different pattern this time..look..
I have work tomorrow, and to be honest I'm looking forward to it, i'm fed up being a student. I need to have some fun, essays are weighing me down.
On the brightside (because every post should have a brightside) One month and two days and I'm away for 5 days with the boyfriend and best friend! :) Can't wait to have some time away!!
Short blog today,
I'm off to Pizza Hut :) mmmmm
take care guys and girls x0x
Thursday 23 February 2012
For those that witnessed my outburst earlier..I do apologise.
Let me explain..
At university - I am doing last semesters assignments as well as this semesters assignments all at once time because I was so ill last semester. Primarily, last semesters have to take priority as they are late. However - one of the assignments for semester two is a group presentation, which I obviously have to be a part of. We got to choose groups, so i'm with 'friends'. After a horrible relapse last week, I am still a little wobbly - so woke up this morning and couldn't hardly move, let alone drive myself to uni for the lecture then our group meet. I already knew that two out of the five in my group wouldn't be there due to them committing to other things (when they're spose to be in lectures) so I decided that I wasn't going to push myself (like I did the week before) as I was scared of relapse again.
Let's just say that I then received a very nasty message off of someone in my group calling me 'disappointing' saying that she was going to go to the lecturer about me. I was the only one out of the three people not there today who received this shitty message - fair right?! Hmm! She really let into me, saying that it wasn't good enough. Well, I was already frustrated that i'd woken up ill and struggling, this was just the icing on the cake and I broke down.
I don't even want to be in the group anymore. I did not receive one message last week when I was ill to see if I was okay and I get a shitty message for not turning up because i'm ill, when I could sit there and tell you so many examples of when everyone else in my group haven't turned up because they've been hungover,cba,shopping or getting a tattoo!! And they say my reason wasn't good enough, pffft! So much for friends.
When you look at someone, how can you possibly know what is going on in their lives, their health or how they are? So many people look fine on the outside, you can't judge them because of the way they look. I don't give anyone any trouble, because you never know what battles someone is fighting. Just a shame there are some people who are too ignorant to think like that.
I'm now left with no confident and purely drained from crying so much. It's time to make some changes, I don't deserve to be unhappy!
Let me explain..
At university - I am doing last semesters assignments as well as this semesters assignments all at once time because I was so ill last semester. Primarily, last semesters have to take priority as they are late. However - one of the assignments for semester two is a group presentation, which I obviously have to be a part of. We got to choose groups, so i'm with 'friends'. After a horrible relapse last week, I am still a little wobbly - so woke up this morning and couldn't hardly move, let alone drive myself to uni for the lecture then our group meet. I already knew that two out of the five in my group wouldn't be there due to them committing to other things (when they're spose to be in lectures) so I decided that I wasn't going to push myself (like I did the week before) as I was scared of relapse again.
Let's just say that I then received a very nasty message off of someone in my group calling me 'disappointing' saying that she was going to go to the lecturer about me. I was the only one out of the three people not there today who received this shitty message - fair right?! Hmm! She really let into me, saying that it wasn't good enough. Well, I was already frustrated that i'd woken up ill and struggling, this was just the icing on the cake and I broke down.
I don't even want to be in the group anymore. I did not receive one message last week when I was ill to see if I was okay and I get a shitty message for not turning up because i'm ill, when I could sit there and tell you so many examples of when everyone else in my group haven't turned up because they've been hungover,cba,shopping or getting a tattoo!! And they say my reason wasn't good enough, pffft! So much for friends.
When you look at someone, how can you possibly know what is going on in their lives, their health or how they are? So many people look fine on the outside, you can't judge them because of the way they look. I don't give anyone any trouble, because you never know what battles someone is fighting. Just a shame there are some people who are too ignorant to think like that.
I'm now left with no confident and purely drained from crying so much. It's time to make some changes, I don't deserve to be unhappy!
Tuesday 21 February 2012
Hope everyone has had a good day, I am feeling A LOT less anxious about things now. I've written some lists and got my head around my deadlines.
Going to see my gorgeous boyfriend tomorrow after uni and the best friend on Thursday, can't wait! :)
Hoping to also start up my photography again soon, especially with this weather, I'm itching to get out - but uni work takes priority at the moment! :(
Check out my Facebook page if you want. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Emmerson-Rose-Photography-Cards/273999102640843
Good night everyone & remember....
Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude.
Charlotte x0
Going to see my gorgeous boyfriend tomorrow after uni and the best friend on Thursday, can't wait! :)
Hoping to also start up my photography again soon, especially with this weather, I'm itching to get out - but uni work takes priority at the moment! :(
Check out my Facebook page if you want. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Emmerson-Rose-Photography-Cards/273999102640843
Good night everyone & remember....
Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude.
Charlotte x0
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