Just to let you know..the USA is doing me the world of good.

I felt a little rough around the edges to begin with as I had finally started to rest properly and chill out but now I am cool as a cucumber.

I thought I was content before but now I realise that what I am now, here, at this moment, is content. And it's wonderful.

I'm having time to myself after all the recent crap and I will be back stronger than ever :)

I'm going on a mini holiday on my holiday this weekend as we go up to the lake house :) A whole weekend to chill out on the pontoon - amazing!

I also bought myself an iPad today - eeeeek!! Total excitement

Sending love to everyone, you're all wonderful, strong, courageous people xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Today I went to a concert for the troops.

It was in Mankato, organised by my great Aunts partner and it was called 'Tune it up for the troops'

It was in a local amplitheater & was to celebrate/thank all the troops of the USA.
One bit in particular that really got to me was when there was a special section to pay tribute to the families of fallen troops. Parents of those who had died whilst serving stood along the front of the stage and held hands whilst the singer, Rockie Lynn sung a song.
It was so touching to see them all standing together and singing along, their eyes were full of tears and I felt their heartbreak - but at the same time, they were holding each other up and coming together through their upset.

This was so touching to see

It made me think of a few things, when you see someone in a public environment, you know nothing of their personal life and situation - you don't know their battles they face.

'Be kind to everyone, for everyone is fighting their own battles'

It also made me feel lucky that I've never had to experience this upset, I may not be the most healthiest person alive, but I am alive!

It's also important in any situation to have a good support base, just like the families of the fallen troops who all come together in mourning, to have someone understand the heartbreak and struggles you face - helps you fight the battle if nothing else can.

I will continue to believe these values and carry them into my future. x

You can wake up with the best intentions, after a beautiful nights sleep and your health can still hold a grudge against you and make you feel awful.

There doesn't have to be a reason as to why you feel so ill, you just do. That's what this illness does to us.

I woke up this morning after 11 hours sleep, finally sleeping at normal USA times, and a short while after coming up for breakfast, I felt awful. My whole body aches and I don't feel focused on what's going on around me.

Somehow I managed to pop out with my cousins but then I have spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, which is a massive shame, all I can think of is what i'm missing out on :(

Apart from this, and a lost suitcase (which has now been returned back to me after the airline sent it on the wrong flight) I've had a lovely first few days in the states.
My cousins greeted me with presents and cuddles and have lots of lovely plans for us in these three weeks. It's so nice to be back over here, I love everything about it here.
I feel at ease and relaxed over here, I don't need to be attached to my mobile, or watch television to stay occupied. I am reading my books and spending quality time relaxing and seeing my family.

Hopefully this will be as insighful as ever and increase my personal strength to manage back home.

Adapted from 'Beyond Empathy's' recent status that I totally agree with...

Yes I have fibro / #CFS and yes i can achieve pain control with a rediculus amount of drugs that will soon enough get into my body so much that even the highest of doses will not affect me. These may also condemn me to bed needing full care as im so i have absolutely no function or meaning in my life whatsoever, fully reliant on others to turn me, feed me and wash me. 

I have no psychiatric issues and confirmed by psychiatric specialists. I have never been, or never will be 'depressed' I have low moments but my life will never involve depression. 

I choose to LIVE, and therefore choose to constantly balance my life / pain on a strict routine. I take as few meds as possible to maintain my function though live every day and replace meds with herbals as much as possible. I don't eat/drink certain things and have my days mapped out with strict routine. This pushes my mind to the edge, exhausts me, but I do it. And just because i have now dared to venture from my bed to attempt to have a life and contribute a difference to the world. Does not mean my exhaustion or agony has improved/ lessened/ or strangely disappeared!!!!

I have ventured from my bed and being indoors from days on end to make a life for myself, yes people see me out and about - make up/hair done and a smile on my face but what they need to realise is what they don't see is the most important statement of illness. Just because we are ill, doesn't mean we choose to share it with you. 

I don't hide my feelings, therefore if I am sad - I show it. I don't need to hide them because I believe that i am allowed to feel how I want to and no-one should therefore judge me for it. 
A break up is hard on both parties - and you're entitled to feel how you feel and react how you want, i'm not saying it is the right thing to do but still - you have the right. Within reason though - you still need to keep in consideration the other person (especially if it was a joint decision break up) 

You should not put it all over fb how 'happy' you are and 'excited for the future' - it's just showing that you are probably not, so why put on a front? 

True friends will understand your hurt and disregard any emotional statuses, feelings are normal and we all have the right to feel them. 

Seeing all his shit over Facebook hurts me, although I know he is hurting - I take everything more personal than I should. I let it affect me and the way I feel about myself. I shouldn't, but I do. So this is making me not want to talk to him and stay friends at the moment. 

Me on the other hand, I am staying hidden and quiet, I have also been on a shopping spree - I've treated myself to a new camera and camera case, a new skirt and some accessories for my car :) I have some free time this week and it is going to be filled with lots of friends coming to see me and keeping me smiling. 

This is tiring, but I will get there 

As most of you know, I went to see a specialist on Friday for my ME

This was my first appointment and I went in with an open mind and to take everything with a pinch of salt. 

When I went in, she was pissed that I didn't fill in a certain bit of the questionnaire and 'it was going to take longer'. She wasn't happy and was abrupt and made me think right back to when I was 11 and symptoms started. 

She didn't follow a pattern of events, just kept jumping from one thing to another and writing notes. She then proceeded to ask me random questions one after another, not explaining why she was asking them.
She asked me about my love life, my history (if I had ever been sexually or physically abused), about my periods, when EXACTLY I had the last one, about my social life, alcohol and smoking etc. I can see why she asked some of these, but it would of been nice to of gone into detail as to why she was asking these things. 

She carried on firing questions at me one after another instead of constructing a conversation with me. This was VERY draining and got me very confused and dazed. I answered one question (unsure of what she actually meant) Then later in the appointment she said that I manage to do everything - I'm sorry but how can I manage well when I can either do something during the day OR at night. Everyone else my ages is getting up - going out during the day, then at night, then getting up the next morning and doing something again, that is NOT me. 
She then said it was to do with personalities, of which I also do not agree. My personality is bubbly and positive and if it was up to me I would be out and about exploring new places and doing SO much more than I am at the moment, i'd be travelling and really going for it. But my body doesn't let me, therefore I am limited = NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE (those without illness)
Anyway, because I answered a question in the incorrect way (in regards to my illness) she then got mad and referred back to my answer, I explained that it was hard for me to answer when she was firing question at me and that I had misunderstood, therefore answered wrong.
She didn't then ask me to re-explain this to get more info, she just said 'well you said this' - yes I did, but doesn't mean it was right. If she had asked me questions and constructed a convo with me rather than asking me to generate percentages etc then I wouldn't of got as worked up as I did. 

Anyway, she said the CBT word; said that I was stressed and anxious - leading to my CFS flare up, I said fair enough to the stressed bit (lately anyway) but I haven't been stressed for the last few years - I DO NOT believe that stress leads to CFS, a flare up maybe but I can wake up and be in the most positive of moods and STILL FEEL SHIT! So that isn't stress, like on Christmas - a stress free time, I still feel ill. A flare up can be caused by stress, I get that - but I'm not a stressful person and I am still suffering.
I am NOT going to CBT - not ever, and that is a promise. 

She also started talking about my other problems (asthma, excema, vitamin levels etc) as their own thing and saying what to do with them - not linking in with CFS. I see separate specialists for those things, she needed to stay on track with what I was there for. She didn't ask me if I had any questions or if I wanted to say anything, she was rude, abrupt and quite frankly did not want to talk to me.

She then prodded me for a bit in my painful areas and decided that I have Fibromyalgia too .. she didn't explain anything to do with this or its symptoms. When I got overwhelmed and frustrated by this she said 'I don't see why you're frustrated Charlotte' and carried on babbling about a load of shit. She didn't stop or ask me to explain why I was so upset. 

I'm fed up of having to justify to everyone how I feel and have to talk about it all, they keep labeling me with all these things and not explaining to me - or helping me. 
I have been managing just fine ON MY OWN. I have control and I pace - meaning that I mostly do everything I want. I will not feel bad that I do that, I know most people with the same thing as me can't do what I do, and that's awful - but just because I can, doesn't mean I'm suffering any less or in any pain.
Apart from what I do, I do not have a life - I don't have a social life and i'm in bed every night by 9pm. These are sacrifices I have made for myself, ones that people who aren't ill don't have to make. 
This is me and I am the one that has to deal with this, there will be people who will understand - but at the same time, everyone is different - therefore we are technically all alone with our illnesses and what it does to us. 

The appointment ended with me being silent due to being in such tears and mum rounding up the convo with her, she didn't stop and be kind to me or anything, just said 'yeah we are done' and goodbye. I then walked out to the car in tears and broke down completely.

I am not an angry person - neither do I get upset about things that badly, very often. But that appointment made me completely drained, low and very angry. Two of which feelings I do not like feeling - or feel very often. 
That day I quite definitely felt the worst I have done in ages. They completely disregarded my illnesses, nothing positive came out from it and neither was told where to go from here. Pointless, useless and draining. I'm no further than I was before.