The Panic Attack Tunnel

I've been suffering with panics lately, as far as I know, there was one trigger just over a month ago - but since then, I have been panicking about other, little things and struggling a lot. There is probably underlying reasons for this, that I hope to share when I have the energy.

These panic attacks have happened when I've been alone, and also when I've been with my boyfriend, Connor. One time, I ended up having a panic attack at his house, so once I had calmed down a little, I sat in his bathroom whilst he had a shower, just so he could be close to me, I remember feeling so low then, but not being able to come up with a reason why.

The thing with panic attacks is, they can come on so quickly and out of the blue, sometimes they may be creeping up throughout the day, but whether you know they're coming or not, they are one of the hardest things to control.

I almost feel like it is me against my mind, like there is a tiny devil inside my head talking and tormenting me and to get it to be quiet and go away for a little bit longer - is such a hard fight.

My brain is over active anyway, that's why I can't have lie ins or focus on trashy television so trying to distract my mind from its thoughts is a task in itself. Sometimes I think it would be less hassle if I just had the panic attack and get it over with, but that's not the right way to think of things is it?

We shouldn't just do something because it is the easier way of dealing with it, where will that get us? As hard as it is, there needs to be a turning point in which things stop happening and you start fighting them.

That is where I am at, I don't want to randomly burst into a panic anymore, it's not fair on myself, I haven't told anyone I've been feeling like this apart from my twitter followers and my boyfriend. As much as he is quite possible the best person in my life and the greatest support to me, it's also not fair on him that I am like this. He has never said this, obviously he is too supportive and will always sit and hold me whilst I cry or cuddle me when I wake up at 4am unable to sleep.
It's not fair on him because I say so.

It is for this reason, and the fact that I do not deserve to be overrun with panic that it needs to stop.
This is all new feeling to me and I'm scared of what's to come, just as I think 'fab, I've not had a bad/panicky thought in a while', there's always sure to be something creeping up to get me.

A 'small step' method needs to be taken, in which I can just think about the here and now, day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute just to ensure that as it passes, I've managed to remain calm. I'm going to try and stop myself thinking ahead of things, or panicking about silly things in the future that don't actually matter, and will turn out fine anyway.
This is all I can do at the moment, I'm also hoping to let out some of my thoughts into what triggers some of my low feelings, which will be hard but I know that I am ready to do it and not feel weak for admitting them.

I appreciate your support, patience and kind words, I know I have been a positive person in the past - which has helped me overcome a lot of illness issues, so I know that I will get through this emotional issue in due course.

I also ask that when I do manage to get out some thoughts onto my trigger points, that you come back to me with comments/support as to how you think they relate to how I have been feeling, and any personal advice you can give me too.

I would also like to say that tonight, I stopped myself from having a panic attack, it took me a long time, much longer than it would of taken to have the panic attack, but with a lot of deep breaths and reroute of thought, I diverted it away. Hopefully I have diverted it away for a while, but when it does come back, hopefully I will be able to fight it away in less time than I did tonight, and then less the time after that, until I get rid of this for good!