Catch up;

I don't really know how to start this blog post, I haven't blogged in ages, so what do I say? 

Well, I got my uni results, I passed & officially have a degree - I graduate in October :) if you've been reading my blog for a while you'll know that I had a few challenges throughout my uni years..

A week before my last deadline, I got the chance for a full time job..not thinking much of it (I don't like to get my hopes up) I got the job!!! So now I am in full time work at a hotel, I love it. It's a challenge and some nights I find myself crying because I'm so tired, but I am thoroughly happy that I did it and I have a huge sense of achievement. 

I have a routine I stick too but it's also taught me a lot about myself and staying calm, something which I had been working on already. 

My frame of mind has definitely changed so much in the past year, I've learnt a lot about myself and learnt to get on with life and illnesses, without sacrificing anything I want to do.

One person who has helped me so much is my boyfriend, Connor..we have been together over a year, well officially a year next month ;) and we are going on an eight day holiday to Cornwall, Plymouth, Dorset then to London..I'm driving and I'm very excited, I love our little adventures, I would of panicked about a trip like that before but he has taught me to enjoy it and it's nothing to worry about. Stopping the worry and panic gives me so much relief and energy! I will have to tell you all about it, I'm thinking of staying off the Internet for that time just so I can really chill out, but we shall see!

So this is a little blog to say hello, and catch up....I hope to blog to you all again soon! 

Test results!!!!

Finally a step in the right direction...

I have just received my thyroid levels after going gluten free for the last three months, I also got tested for my vitamin D levels too.

Tests show my thyroid is showing symptoms of being over active, meaning I'm on too much medication - my meds have now been reduced to 125mg from 150mg. If you remember my blog post earlier this year, I had found a lot of research that related a gluten free diet to better thyroxine absorption as gluten free diet provides a detox. So although having overactive symptoms is bad, these test results are a positive as I got to reduce my meds!!!!

My vitamin D levels are back down to being abnormally low, so I've been out on a booster course of vitamin D tablets which are a high dose, then a lower dose tablet to maintain and balance my level back out, resulting in me feeling better in that respect too!

The nurse also tested my prolactin levels, which I had never heard of, apparently it's a hormone in my brain, of which that level is abnormally high. Dr says this relates to stress, but I want to look into it further and see how it links with my thyroid.

So although I do feel like crap, have had a roller coaster few months with everything and have been scared because I haven't felt 'myself' - its nice to know that there is reason for it, and I now have the proper tablets etc. to help it regain it's normal levels.
It just goes to show that all this is never ending, but hopefully with experience, I'll get the best knowledge for myself and learn my own body. I have been feeling unbalanced lately - so I was smug when the dr said that I was right!!!

It's also given me motivation to carry on with my gluten free diet, and keep improving my body, levels and thyroid, who knows what will happen after the next set of test results!!!

The Panic Attack Tunnel

I've been suffering with panics lately, as far as I know, there was one trigger just over a month ago - but since then, I have been panicking about other, little things and struggling a lot. There is probably underlying reasons for this, that I hope to share when I have the energy.

These panic attacks have happened when I've been alone, and also when I've been with my boyfriend, Connor. One time, I ended up having a panic attack at his house, so once I had calmed down a little, I sat in his bathroom whilst he had a shower, just so he could be close to me, I remember feeling so low then, but not being able to come up with a reason why.

The thing with panic attacks is, they can come on so quickly and out of the blue, sometimes they may be creeping up throughout the day, but whether you know they're coming or not, they are one of the hardest things to control.

I almost feel like it is me against my mind, like there is a tiny devil inside my head talking and tormenting me and to get it to be quiet and go away for a little bit longer - is such a hard fight.

My brain is over active anyway, that's why I can't have lie ins or focus on trashy television so trying to distract my mind from its thoughts is a task in itself. Sometimes I think it would be less hassle if I just had the panic attack and get it over with, but that's not the right way to think of things is it?

We shouldn't just do something because it is the easier way of dealing with it, where will that get us? As hard as it is, there needs to be a turning point in which things stop happening and you start fighting them.

That is where I am at, I don't want to randomly burst into a panic anymore, it's not fair on myself, I haven't told anyone I've been feeling like this apart from my twitter followers and my boyfriend. As much as he is quite possible the best person in my life and the greatest support to me, it's also not fair on him that I am like this. He has never said this, obviously he is too supportive and will always sit and hold me whilst I cry or cuddle me when I wake up at 4am unable to sleep.
It's not fair on him because I say so.

It is for this reason, and the fact that I do not deserve to be overrun with panic that it needs to stop.
This is all new feeling to me and I'm scared of what's to come, just as I think 'fab, I've not had a bad/panicky thought in a while', there's always sure to be something creeping up to get me.

A 'small step' method needs to be taken, in which I can just think about the here and now, day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute just to ensure that as it passes, I've managed to remain calm. I'm going to try and stop myself thinking ahead of things, or panicking about silly things in the future that don't actually matter, and will turn out fine anyway.
This is all I can do at the moment, I'm also hoping to let out some of my thoughts into what triggers some of my low feelings, which will be hard but I know that I am ready to do it and not feel weak for admitting them.

I appreciate your support, patience and kind words, I know I have been a positive person in the past - which has helped me overcome a lot of illness issues, so I know that I will get through this emotional issue in due course.

I also ask that when I do manage to get out some thoughts onto my trigger points, that you come back to me with comments/support as to how you think they relate to how I have been feeling, and any personal advice you can give me too.

I would also like to say that tonight, I stopped myself from having a panic attack, it took me a long time, much longer than it would of taken to have the panic attack, but with a lot of deep breaths and reroute of thought, I diverted it away. Hopefully I have diverted it away for a while, but when it does come back, hopefully I will be able to fight it away in less time than I did tonight, and then less the time after that, until I get rid of this for good!

Tough times create a tougher you..

It's hard writing a blog post on my feelings, especially when they are so fresh in my mind, but I won't lie to you, I've been on a huge struggle lately.
I know i've blogged about it vaguely and said 'I think I'm getting there' - but I've realised that I have been monitoring how I feel a little too much, comparing days and winding myself up.

I've learnt that the trick is to stop worrying about how you feel, just embrace it and feel it.

I've been very down in the last couple of weeks, so much so that I can't remember the last time I felt as down as I have, it's okay not to be okay, you need to remember that. What I did, which was wrong, was on top of feeling horrid and down, I beat myself up for feeling like this - I got angry at myself, panicked and hated myself for feeling so down.

Take it from me - this is so much harder than just embracing your sadness, I have been a mess and what I should of been doing all along is just allow myself to be sad, have the time I need to feel the way I did and it would of probably passed a lot quicker. Anxiety has taken its toll too, anxiety is a nasty nasty thing that sometimes just gets too strong to control - this is where you need to have coping mechanisms that you can use, I think I forgot my coping mechanisms and let anxiety put up a huge battle, I really did feel like I was loosing the battle. I thought I was going crazy, that no-one would understand and I felt like I couldn't even handle the smaller things in my day. This was wrong, of course..but you know how anxiety works!

This may sound strange - why would you want to feel sad? You don't, but sometimes your body does things that don't make sense..so don't get angry, just let it run its course and then you can get back up to your normal self.

I don't really want to comment on how I am at the moment, I don't really want to analyse it - by me doing this, I'm being a lot more relaxed about everything, letting my feelings run their course whatever they may be.

I suppose this is my way of managing at the moment. All I know is that I had to try something..

Two weeks gluten free

It's been two weeks today that I have been gluten free (as well as Facebook free too!) 

It's going well, I've had less tired days - but I'm not sure if that is because I know how to pace? I have a long time to go until I can my thyroid levels tested, so I've got to keep going in the hope that it is doing some good. 

I wouldn't say it is difficult, I haven't ever sat there and thought 'I have nothing to eat' - because I plan my meals and snacks, it's been okay. I've also found i've been eating a lot healthier too. 

If you have instagram, i've been posting some of my meals on there - follow @glutenfreegoddess to have a peak! 

I've definitely always been a foodie person, I have a taste for quality foods, no processed/fast food rubbish - so i'm not afraid of being brave with my cooking. I'm hoping to try more recipes this week along with some gluten free cakes maybe! 

I appreciate your support, any tips you can give me too! & I apologise for my mood in the last week, i've been all over the place and I'm not sure why! 

xxxxxxx

Not me yet.

January goes so slow, don't you agree? Majority of people aren't happy and it's like an after Christmas lull. It will soon be over then we can get on with the rest of the year!

I've started feeling a little bit better, a little bit more like myself, but i'm not myself yet. 

I wish I could explain it all, but I don't even know myself. It's like someone took away all my happy, motivated thoughts and replaced them with anxiety and worry. I'm normally good at looking on the brightside and maintaining a happy personality but this past week has been weird. Aside from crying into my boyfriends arms, I have had random outbursts and panics about such small little things, and haven't wanted to be alone. I thought I was sorted and excited for the future, to be growing up..I am, I am! I guess a sense of overwhelm gets to us all sometimes. 

I have been gluten free for 10 days now, and I think (hope) it is doing me some good, I mean,  all the research is positive and everyone i've spoken to have said good things about it, so i've got nothing to lose? Hopefully I will start seeing some effects soon, it would be nice to lose a little weight too! 

As most of you know, I am set to graduate this year, after years of primary school, high school, sixth form and now university, I am finally going to be in the big outside world, I am the one who can choose my next step and where I go; scary/overwhelming/exciting - I feel them all! If I was to reflect back on the last few years, I would see how far i've come. I like to think of myself as a pretty levelheaded person who has grown strength in dealing with everything I have, one of my favourite quotes is 'get knocked down 7 times, get up 8' - which is true, and I like to live by that, you have always got to make sure you get back up again, even if it does take you a little while (mine is a week so far) so what, chances are you'll get back up and be a little stronger than last time!

I guess what i'm trying to say is i'm just realising that I actually have control over what happens next, there isn't a set path for me..it's a little exciting as there is so much I want to do, but at the same time..bloody overwhelming! I guess 

I just need to listen to myself and take one day at a time..I mean, that's the best way right? I can't be the over-organiser anymore, it takes up too much energy. I've learnt that it's how you deal with things that matter most - that is what effects how you feel from a certain situation. 
So that's what I gotta do! 

Go with the flow!! 

I invite you all to do the same, stop organising something, leave something until the last minute (don't be worrying about it until then), do something for yourself like have an extra long bath or eat a couple more chocolates. It's our lives, we should do what we want and not have to worry!! 

The only thing that matters is that you are alive, and you are happy

A week gluten free!

It's been a good week, and I'm not just saying that. With careful planning, gluten free is very easy and healthy! I've been trying gluten free products as well as making meals with lots of veg and quorn.
I've been a little more hungry at times, but even the snacks aren't unhealthy so I shouldn't be doing much harm.

One thing that hasn't been so good is I seem to of got quite emotional towards the end of the week and experiencing urges to cry as well as feeling very overwhelmed and anxious. Feel sorry for my darling other half who has been a big shoulder to cry on all weekend.

This isn't like me, when my anxiety is bad, it's not in this way, so it's a little annoying and confusing. I've researched into the effects a diet change may have but can't seem to find out much, hopefully it will pass.

I've also been keeping a food diary in order to remember what I've been eating, I also record pain and fatigue levels and hours sleep per night, it's been good to look back on and hopefully will get much better! I've found that I need at least 9 or 9 and a half hours sleep per night in order to function properly, everyone's is different but that is the amount that seems to help me the most.

I've been planning my meals for this week, hopeful for another good week :-)